Verity

[niyazi-a.livejournal.com]

PG-13
IDW LSOTW
Verity Carlo
References to character death
Spoilers for Last Stand of the Wreckers
Wordcount: 655
45 minutes
for tf_speedwriting  prompt 'nostalgia'

 

I…can’t stop crying.  I thought I could handle it.  I thought fear was the enemy. Always fear. I thought if you ever showed fear, that’s when they get you. That’s when you lose.  Fear is like poison, or so I always thought—you killing yourself from within, doing their work for them. 

And now I can see that all I did, all those years, when I thought I was turning my back on fear? I was simply running away.  I thought I was showing toughness. Showing how hard I was. Hard-mouthed, hard-headed.  Defiant.  I thought that made me strong.  I thought that made me invulnerable.

It hurts so much, and what hurts even more? I’m not even injured. Not a scratch. Watched…everyone die and not even a rip in my spacesuit.  Yeah, guess what, Verity?  Your hardness worked. Not even a sprained ankle.  Nice job. 

It’s just…everyone else.  Sunstreaker and Hunter.  But I made excuses for that: I was  young.  Hell, I mean, walking in on Megatron? Even then, I didn’t break down.  Not like this.  Nothing like this.   I’ve cried so much I’ve run out of tears. I’ve cried so much my eyes hurt, my eyelids swollen and raw and stinging from the salt in my tears. But I can’t stop.

Because…all of them. The Wreckers. Gone. It’s not about whether it was ‘worth it’ or not.  I think it was how they died. I’ve never…seen anyone die as heroes before. Always victims. Always accidents like you see on the news: traffic or a mugging or cancer or something just…random like that. I’ve never seen anyone be able to choose to die.  Not like…oh frag, I’m not explaining this very well. I mean, like, not giving-in poor-me emo suicide or anything.  But…like Topspin.   God, I mean.  He chose.  He gave his life.  Not just for the mission, not just to unlock the damn monster judge machine thing, but for Twin Twist. To save him from suffering.

I…whoa.

The word ‘hero’ doesn’t begin to cover it.   The word ‘martyr’ would be an insult.

Ironfist hurt worst of all, because…he knew it. He knew it and he never told me, knew he was dying.  And even so, he didn’t give up, didn’t get bitter. Didn’t do what I always did which was run away and live for myself.  Hide everything in a desire for sensation. Gotta keep moving, Verity.  Gotta keep going. Because this is what happens when you stop.

They all died.  No hesitations, no regrets, no fear. Everything I’ve always wanted to be.  Hard without losing the ability to care.  Fearless without losing the ability to feel. 

I thought joining the Wreckers would make me strong: it’s only shown me how weak I really am. I’m not afraid, I’m not a coward.  Frag, I even died already for these mechs.  But even so…I’m so weak.  So weak.  Not just small, not just so easily breakable, but…weak. I can’t live as they lived. I know I don’t have the guts, the purity, to die as they did.  It’s like they held up a mirror to my life and…I’m crying so I can blur the image. So I don’t have to look.

And I feel so small and so petty and so selfish. I don’t have that kind of love in me. I don’t have that kind of devotion or strength or trust, or dammit, I don’t even know what the word is for it. Just that I don’t have it.

And I want to go back to before.  When I didn’t have these doubts.  When my hardness was enough. When I hadn’t lost my best friends. When I hadn’t lost my illusions about them, or myself.  When I thought that fear was the only enemy. When I thought that pushing everyone away kept me safe. When I didn’t care so much.  

And I can’t stop crying. 



 

Comments

[fabfroma.livejournal.com]

Oh, Verity. :( I could really feel her emotions in this and it made my heart twist with sympathy. Good job!

[niyazi-a.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm not fond of a lot of the canon humans, but I thought I'd try and branch out a bit. Glad you liked!

[kamiraptor.livejournal.com]

*wibbling like nobody's business*

Yeah. You did good here.

*goes to wibble some more*

...In a way, though, I think she's pretty lucky - you mention how most deaths we see are a "victim" situation, but Verity got to see how people can embrace it, make something - a huge somthing - out of it. Very good insight you have with that.