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shadow_vector2010-11-25 12:47 pm
Pernicious Code
Bayverse
Barricade, Frenzy
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mewsing 's prompt 'Barricade, Frenzy, lolcats'Barricade was seriously beginning to consider killing Frenzy. For his sanity’s sake. What the frag would you even call that? Partnercide? Annoyingcide? Frenzicide? Aaaugh! The very fact that he was worrying about the slaggin’ name was just further proof at how deeply under his dermal plating the little techling had gotten.
“Sit down!” he roared. Seriously. Frenzy’s feet were pointy, and his upholstery was pretty slaggin’ sensitive.
“Fun! Funnyfun! The best kind of fun is funnyfun fun!” Frenzy bounced on the seat, but (semi)obediently kicked his feet out from under himself, landing on his aft. Which was also, Barricade observed, pointy.
“If you don’t shut the frag up the only kind of fun you’re going to know is the fun that involves me slamming your head into paste.”
Frenzy twitched, stopped, head tipping from side to side. “That doesn’t sound very fun.”
Oh, it would be, Barricade thought sourly. So much fun he could do it again and again and again. “Then shut up. We’ve got a mission.”
“Mission! Mission! Funmission? Missionfun?”
Uh, no. Most likely not. “Since when we ever get one of those?” he grumbled.
“Fun is what you make it! Makemissionfun!” Frenzy’s head wiggled back and forth, his four arms flailing in what was, Barricade could only presume, some approximation of ‘fun’.
“Right. We’ll work on that.” Right after he had that cortical wipe. Seriously. Fun? Fraggin’ war on.
Still, part of him envied the techling’s ebullience. Barricade couldn’t remember being that…what? Young? Carefree? Idiotic? It seemed Barricade’s whole life he’d been dark and obnoxious. Probably why he’d gotten the oh-so-not-choice assignment of partnering with Frenzy in the first place. Primus, or at least Starscream, hated him.
He cracked open the mission file, running it through his decrypt. He grunted. His part was easy. “Job for you, Frenzy. Plant a virus in the US government mainframe.”
“Boring!” Frenzy stretched his legs out on Barricade’s dashboard, wiggling his toes. “Boringvirusmission. Alreadydonethat boring.” He was, Barricade knew from long exposure, about six kliks away from a tantrum.
“Haven’t already done it,” he said, quickly. “Closed system. The core.”
One of Frenzy’s eyestalks quirked. “Core?”
Yeah, that was Barricade’s part—to get them into this ‘Pentagon’ and cover Frenzy. Apparently Soundwave or someone up top got a little tired of the Americans slaggin’ ‘cutting the hard line’. Enough of piddling with the branches, they were going for the trunk. “You heard me, Blue-eyes.”
“Whaaaaaaaaaat kind of virus?” The little hands wiggled, excited, as though tapping at an invisible keyboard. That, Barricade had learned, was how Frenzy thought. More important, it was Frenzy being occupied with something OTHER than being annoying. Not that he didn’t sometimes manage to do both.
“Mission specs say a Gamma-5.”
Frenzy’s eyestalks moved, rising up, then sinking, then rotating, deep in thought. “Easy. Easyeasy. But….theyknow. Mainframeattack physical. Knowsomethingsomethingvirus.”
It was sad, Barricade thought, that he could actually translate that into, you know, coherent speech. And he dreaded the day he’d start talking back to the techling the same way. “Yeah, they’d have to know we did something.” He thought. “Could plant two viruses? One for them to find?”
Frenzy’s eyestalks shot straight up. “TWO! One nastynasty one fun! Onefunfunone!”
Yeah, if that’s your idea of fun. “Sure,” he said. Just to keep Frenzy, you know, relatively compliant. He hated that he was going to even ask this next question. “Got an idea?”
“YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!” Frenzy snatched for Barricade’s onboard keyboard, tapping at it eagerly. “LOLCATSSSSSSS!”
“Lo-whats?” Oh, why did he think he was going to regret this? Oh, right, because this was coming from a conversation with Frenzy.
“Lolcats! Funnyfunnycats! I show you funnycatsfunnylol!”
I can hardly wait, Barricade thought.
“Here!” Frenzy popped a human website up on the internet-connected screen. “Looklookfunnycats!” He leaned forward, then fell back against the seat, limbs wiggling in delight, cackling. “I haz a flavor!”
Whut? Barricade scrolled through the images, which seemed to be some overgrown furred mammal in some bizarre pose, with some illiterate typology. “These cats lack the rudimentary grasp of the Earth language,” he said, sourly. Frag, he came from how far away and he could do a better job. He’d never even had one but he knew that that wasn’t how you spelled ‘cheeseburger.’
“FUNNY!” Frenzy howled. “Funnyfunny derp! Where’smybukkit! Do not want!”
Clearly, these ‘lolcats’ were pernicious code, speaking of ‘do not want’. That had infected Frenzy. Huh. He could think of no better revenge than to return the favor on the US Government. Suck on this, Sector Seven, he thought. “Right. You prep the viruses; I’ll get us in.”
Frenzy wiggled, subsiding as he created the code in his own cortex. From time to time he tapped on Barricade’s keyboard, logging more of the captioned pictures in, as Barricade headed on the 295 ring road toward the Pentagon. Frenzy perked up, optics brightening. “When done? Whenmissiondone?”
“Yeah?” Barricade was concentrating on the afternoon traffic .
“Can haz chee—“
“NO!”
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... and I'm now picturing SG!Ravage and Bayverse!Frenzy meeting...
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...or worse--SG!Ravage and Barricade. All the crazazy, wrapped up in kyoot. O_O
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Oh, that's one of the best parts, but this entire fic was amazing and funny and made me LOL and I had to read it out loud to my husband! He lol'd, too. ^o^
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Though, it reveals I probably know a bit TOO much about the subject, doesn't it? :P
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You and me both—it's almost disturbing how easy it is to write in lolspeak...
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i laughed so hard at this. i'm still chuckling! and because of that, i say:
i did it mainly coz it's a copter! also, i use the word "derp" almost daily at work.
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Glad you liked! (And I've had to stop myself from typing 'moar' on work emails!)
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(i recently got email access at work and i fear it! *cackles evilly*)
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I have learned that it is possible to laugh so hard you snort your own spit through your nose. ^_^
Poor Barricade. Car trip with a hyperactive, genius, 4 year old. As the car. :giggle:
Is it wrong of me that I want very much badly to see the effects of that virus? I should go watch Hackers for that kind of cheez. ^_^
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Glad you liked! I strongly suspect it *was* some punishment to partner 'Cade with Frenzy.
(General of the Army: What sort of demented code are these terrorsists using?!?! Clearly these are coded messages by al-qaeda!)
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New Barricade/Frenzy prompt: Barricade on eBay (http://www.seibertron.com/transformers/news/actual-barricade-saleen-mustang-available-on-ebay-early-christmas-present/20158/) ROFL
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also, Primus, or at least Starscream, hated him. The Starscream in my head is indignant: "At LEAST? There is no 'at least' about me! Although I suppose I can understand how you could mistake the two of us for each other. But still..."
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I fully anticipate that someone, somewhere in TF-world US military intelligence is going to run into the line "Password : You're doin' it WRONG!" when they next log in.
Maybe next Frenzy should consider using "All Your Base" as a WMD...